i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
