At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
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