i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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