so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
