There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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