I could make wine with my vomit
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
