This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
