i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
