I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Randomize
