I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
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