Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
PANTIES FOUND
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
