apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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