Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize