the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Randomize
