I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
