you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
