Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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