I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Randomize