So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Randomize
