how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
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