So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
