My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
