you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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