You made me cry and you don't even care
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
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