What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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