She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
