we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
Me. At least after what I've been through.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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