First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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