I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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