chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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