My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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