It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
