I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
I think im going to throw up on grandma
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Randomize
