She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
