i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
