i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Randomize
