and my herpes radar will keep us safe
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
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