is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
