So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
