I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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