he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
