Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
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