God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
We need to rekindle our bromance
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
