You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
