So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
