Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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