When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Randomize
