Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Randomize
