Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
My penis needs a shock collar
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
