I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
