you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
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