god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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