Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize