On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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