My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
We are all done wearing pants today
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
