thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
