He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I smell like Dick and happiness
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Randomize
