I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
All I want is dick and wine.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
