just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
